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November 2011



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Nov. 26th, 2011

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I don't know what I'm doing and know to most of my friends that would be a surprise.  The truth is though that I've gotten so good at saying what I think is expected of me that I can't tell anyone the truth is that I have no idea what I'm doing.  When family and friends talk to me I spin these tales of what I'm going to do and how happy I am with where I am in my life because it's exactly where I'm supposed to be.  But in reality I don't have a clue because there is no future that I can see. And the sad part is that no matter how hard I try to believe that I'm doing the right thing I can't fully bring myself to believe it because in the end I know how empty the words I'm saying are.

I've spent years trying so hard to believe the lies that I tell everyone.  That I'm ok and happy, that everything is going according to plan that I know what I want.  But I really don't and I can't find the strength to actually admit that to anyone, to let them see just how empty I feel and that while they all have their dreams for the future and their plans that I have none of my own so I've been taking the things that everyone's been telling me I should want and what I see my friends doing with their lives and trying to mash it together to make it seem like I actually do.

Because the truth is I never thought I would make it pass 18 and now that I have I just don't know what to do.

Feb. 4th, 2009


Gasping, air short in my lungs

Running away as they

come up behind me

Relentless hunters they follow

their prey

Sickening grins distorting their


Dirty hands grasping and pulling

Stones dig into my face

as I lay trembling

They laugh and jeer as they

celebrate their victory

Grasping hands that touch and fondle

I lay trembling mouth screaming

Face turning red under tears

I lay in terror waiting, waiting

They leave laughing, joking

I am left scratched and worn

laying in the dirt

Wishing to find this a dream